Do you ever wonder just how much you can handle? I think I have had plently of time to ponder that lately…

A few days ago, the doctor had drawn about 10 vials of blood from me to test for causes of my high platelet counts, and I am to have a CT scan soon. At this point, I really do not know what to think though. The more I read about the whole myeloproliferative disorder/disease information, the more it eats away at my hope and happiness.

Today, I simply had a bad day, which may be the cause of me being so down. I was invited.. still am, to a theme/costume New Year’s Eve party… the first time I have ever been invited to one.. usually I do all the inviting and no one shows up because there are bigger and better places to be, but I am not going simply because I am too tired to go. I worked long and hard today, enduring great amounts of stress, and it took its toll. I have no extra energy to spare, so I will just sit here, drink my Champagne and watch the ball drop on TV. I have really tried to put up a brave, happy front for everyone else’s sake about this blood disorder stuff, but secretly, it is eating my sack lunch, so-to-speak. I had horrible headaches all day today, ones that made it hard to concentrate or see at times. In fact, a few times, I had to seriously fight passing out from the dizzy spells. At one time, I finally gave in and just sat down on the floor with my head on my knees. At other times, it felt like my heart might just flutter out of my chest, but I seriously can’t tell anyone I love about this stuff because they are so worried as it is.

Then there is the whole dating front. I am like.. what dating would that be? My guy has all but virtually disappeared on me. I leave him messages from time-to-time, but they are getting fewer and farther between.. I figure why bother, he never has time to message me anymore. I couldn’t tell you the last time we actually talked.. he did not even take time to wish me a Merry Christmas. There is always an excuse, and I am not so stupid and naive as to believe that he is really working all the time. Supposedly he’s working all of these extra hours to save up for a trip later this year, one that he wanted to take me on.. so I wonder who I have really been replaced with. The only time I can force a response from him is when I tell him I will not message him again until he responds.. so I know he is reading them, but this one sided relationship is simply a sham. I am not that big a fool.. I have already walked those shoes earlier this year. THAT jerk hid our relationship because of “cultural reasons”, but he sure is not afraid to show off his new girlfriend, to take pictures with her, her friends, her family or with her and HIS friends.. the ones I was never allowed to meet. He likes to rub it in from time to time by messaging me. I suppose I could figure out how to use the message block on him, but somehow, I figure with all the bad stuff going on in my life right now, that I somehow have brought all of this on myself and therefore deserve every last bit of it. So, I will just have to live with things the way they are, and do the best I can to make it from day to day. I am simply done with dating.. I said that before, and let it creep up on me to slap me in the face once again. I guess I did not learn my lesson the first time, so life thought I needed to be shown once more how things really are and are going to be.

I am going to take a writing sabbatical as well because I simply do not have the energy or anything positive to say right now. I don’t want to always sound down in the dumps to everyone else and ruin their day too…

I have something to gripe about. I could have used an expletive, but what good would that do me?

I was recently told by a relative that they went to McDonald’s to eat in and were charged a “dine-in tax.” I honestly thought they were pulling my leg, but they were not. Yesterday, I decided to feed my craving for some McDonald’s chicken nuggets, and decided to dine-in instead of wasting gasoline going through the drive-thru. I decided to read my receipt and noticed that it was true, that I was being charged to DINE IN at their restaurant! WTH!?!? As if most restaurants don’t already charge us enough, now they are taxing us to sit down inside. That being said.. don’t they think of how much I am actually saving THEM in paper bags, lids, extra ketchup, parking lot clean-ups, etc by coming inside to eat, not to mention saving their employees from noxious fumes they are inhaling by working drive-thru, plus the electricity they are saving. If I am going to be charged a tax, then I expect more for my money to dine-in. Such as more comfortable seating, free desserts, a free upsize or simply something to justify this extra cost to me. This whole situation just rubs me wrong and somehow seems illegal to me. This is going to definitely be added to my pet-peeve list!

Only time can tell what tomorrow may bring…

I have been pretty quiet as of late. I was on a vacation from work the week before last, and honestly, I just needed a break/vacation from the world as I know it. I am feeling quite refreshed after my little siesta.

For my vacation, I pretty much left town the entire week. I went to my parents, which was fantastic. It was totally refreshing to be away from everything I see on a DAILY basis.. it was nice to simply be HOME!

This past week though, I had to follow up with my general practitioner (GP) after having bloodwork drawn in response to an infection I had developed. So below.. is the rest of the story..

Approximately 3 & 1/2 weeks ago, I had a minor accident that left me a bit lame in the leg. It all started when I accidently broke the lid on one of my Corningware bakeware dishes. I CAREFULLY placed the broken shards IN A BOX in the trashcan. Next night, I decided to clean the apartment, which I traditionally do later in the evening.  So, about 11pm, I gathered up the trash, and decided to take out the garbage bag because I knew it had the broke glass in it, and I did not want to forget to take it out since the next morning was trash day. As, I was walking out from under the breezeway of my half of my apartment building, I felt something barely brush my leg. I simply thought it was a box in the trashbag… and I was sooooo wrong! As I walked back into my breezeway, and had nearly reached my door, I felt a pain in my right calf, looked down, and to my horror, noticed blood welling up and gushing out of my leg. At first, I really thought.. whoa, that really made a bad scrape.. but it didn’t hurt then.. and then realized, uh no, it was NOT a scrape I was looking at, I was seeing the INSIDE of my calf. Apparently, a shard had either escaped the box in the bag when I took the bag out of the can OR it has sliced straight through the box. It cut a perfectly straight, nearly 3 inch slash a centimeter deep into the right side of my right calf.

Well, I knew I had to get the bleeding under control ASAP! I went inside my apartment, found my first aid kit, and prepared to get things under control. I used the antiseptic wipes from the kit, then held closed the laceration as best as I could while applying 8 butterfly bandages to it. Then, I packed sterile guaze on it, put a large bandage on that, and used surgical tape to apply pressure to the wound. After that, I propped my leg up above heart level and covered up with a blanket because I remember feeling a bit cold. Later, I realized, thanks to someone else pointing it out, that I had gone into shock. But, I did still have enough sense to get on the internet and look up what do to do in this case.. if I could put off a trip to the emergency room (ER) or not. According to SEVERAL informational and RELIABLE websites (some sites that I have access to because of my pharmacy technician license thank goodness!), since the glass had not severed a major artery, was not above the knee, and only showing subcutaneous fat tissue, I had a maximum of 12 hours to be seen before complications would set in. So no, I did not go to the emergency room. Not the best idea, but not the worst either. I simply could not afford a huge bill that I would have received from the ER on top of my ER copay. In a tight economy, it is money I simply do not have.. which I am embarassed to admit, and because honestly I did not want to be put out on the street and end up homeless due to it. Scary to know that things have gotten THAT bad!

So, next morning, I got up early and got myself to the minor emergency (a regular copay with my insurance) after finding out my GP was booked up past noon. Upon arriving, I was seen within 30 minutes.. By the time the nurses/doctor got around to looking at it, it had been almost 10 hours since the accident. The doctor informed me that they do not like to close up lacerations after 8 hours, but, since the wound was so cleanly cut, they felt they could still get it done since it had not gone past 12 hours. Upon removal of the bandages.. especially the butterflies, the wound decided to bleed out quite a bit. In the end, the doctor ended up putting 11 metal staples in my leg! He informed me I could have gone to the ER, but I was probably right in my assumption of not being seen in under the same amount of hours as had already passed (scary thought huh?) by waiting to go to the minor emergency clinic. The doctor informed me of some stuff to look out for.. signs of infection, prescribed antibiotics, instructed me on how to care for the laceration, and sent me on my way with a warning to stay off of it as much as possible.

Well, staying off of the leg proved nearly impossible at first.. work simply could not hardly accomodate it.. and by Sunday, I was experiencing huge feverish spells on top of swelling and sweats by the wound. Tuesday morning, I woke up with fever and severe, whole body chills.. as soon as the minor emergency opened, I called them, and was told to get there ASAP. They did an X-ray to verify no glass remained in my leg, drew blood to culture, gave me a HUGE shot of clindamycin (and yes, my backside STILL hurts slightly from THAT shot), and changed my antibiotic to one of the most powerful available without being hospitalized.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving, things were looking up. The staples were removed, and no sign of infection remained, but my bloodwork results were still not back from the lab. Monday, I called the minor emergency and was informed that I needed to follow-up with my GP as soon as possible because of an irregularity that showed up in my bloodwork lab results. Apparently, my white blood cell (WBC) count came back normal (which is abnormal with severe infections) and my platelet count came back way too high. This was the week of my vacation, and since I could not get into my doctor’s office any sooner than the following Monday, I headed home, because home is where the heart is.. truly.

During my appointment, my GP explained that she felt the results were simply a lab error, which is actually quite common. She wanted to retest my bloodwork using their labs, and would let me know the results once they were back in. She explained that too many platelets could lead to severe, life-threatening blood clots, but told me not to worry because she felt the results were off. Her theory was the WBC count being normal proved lab error since it was not elevated while I had a bad and obvious infection, but wanted to make sure of this. She informed me we would repeat the test in 1 month if the results came back normal or would send me to see a hemetologist if they did not, alternatively though, suggesting I see a cardiologist for some other weird problems I have been experiencing.

The reason she wanted me to see the cardiologist is due to my blood pressure’s crazy, yet drastic dropping that it keeps doing. In fact, it was on the normal, but low side that very morning, which she had noticed. She asked about dizzy spells, which I have frequently had my whole life.. I just thought it was normal.. and apparently, it is not LOL. Well, I did not get the appointment made because I decided to wait out the test results.

The results are in…. and it is not good news. The original test results were not a fluke due to lab errors.. the second test’s results came back verifying the first as of yesterday. I am being referred to a specialist in blood disorders. Apparently, the leg laceration might have been a blessing in disguise, simply because I have blood work done every year during my yearly checkup because my mom has Graves’ disease (which I do not have.. yet). None of my other results have ever came back skewed in comparison to the norm… until now. What does this mean? Honestly.. I don’t really know. After doing some research, several medical websites suggests that thrombocytemia (high platelet counts) can cause major blood clots, which can lead to strokes or heart attacks if they break loose, OR, if left unchecked, can cause the WBCs to get out of whack, leading to leukemia or other cancers of the bone marrow. I have also learned that severe drops in blood pressure, cold hands and feet, dizzy spells, frequent nose bleeds, frequent, severe headaches, etc are ALL symptoms of having high platelets. My mom suggested it is due to the meds I have to take for another genetically inherited disease I was lucky enough to inherit *please note my use of sarcasm here*. I then reminded her of the dizzy spells, headaches, and nose bleeds I have had since early childhood.. before I ever had to take a single maintenance medication for my condition. And.. when I was in high school, I tried to donate blood several times, and I was finally told not to do so anymore because my blood was too thick.. it clots too fast. It takes over 1 & 1/2 hours to get half a pint from me.. Coincidence.. I think not.

At this point, I feel partially stupid and partially embarassed. All of the warning signals have been there, but in my ignorance, I could have never ever imagined putting them together as a warning for what was to come. Further updates will come your way as I have them, but for now, I am very down and disheartened. I also gave the guy I am seriously dating the option of an out at this point because illness will either make or break a relationship. He informed me of how he was quite offended at me for offering that, that he has no intention of leaving me anytime soon.. that was support I really needed..