The past couple of weeks have just been pure Hell for me. I keep thinking man I hope something really nice is coming back around because of all the bad stuff, life HAS to have something to even out the scales. I sure hope so anyway…

(Picture courtesy of Wikipedia.com)

For the last 6 weeks, different co-workers have been on vacation, and although nearly everyone is full-time, our coordinators didn’t send full week replacements like they are supposed to except for one week. I am just worn completely out, and feel like I NEED a vacation. For the company I work, my pharmacy is technically the fourth busiest in North Texas, although we have a suspicion that we’ll be 3rd after this go round. Usually during summers, it slows down, but with the new generic $4 program, things have gone crazy, and we’ve actually become busier. My store actually has given the most flu shots the last couple of years in a row, so I dread this coming fall. My boss has been looking at hiring someone, but I think he needs to hurry up and jump on the board the boat before we capsize. So that means we’ve all been having to work even harder with energy we just don’t have to make up for the personnel shortfall the last few weeks.

About a month and a half or so ago, I noticed emotional changes in our head pharmacist. I noticed that his wife had quit coming by to bring him lunch and has quit calling him at work…completely. He’d made mention that she’s been going clubbing a LOT with a friend or two, but no longer wants him to come with her..and yes, they are on the bit older side, but not old…just on the down-slope of middle-age. Turns out, she’s met someone and been dating him on the side, and so they are getting divorced after many, many years of a good marriage. And here I thought I HAVE relationship issues, guess I just have no clue. I feel very sorry for him, but then again, from what I understand, he cheated on his previous wife with his soon-to-be-ex-wife, while she was also married. I myself do not think I could have gone for someone like that because I am a firm believer that if someone cheats, especially an already married person, that they will allow history to repeat itself. To me, it doesn’t seem as if the sacred vows of marriage were being honored the first rounds, so maybe it was easier when problems came along to simply turn to someone else. I do not know, nor do I really want to. But, I must confess that since I am the one that everyone turns to for advice or for someone to simply listen, I think my ears are worn out.

My boss has been worried and severely depressed, and thank goodness he actually listens to me, and saw his doctor. I, along with a few others, convinced him that there is nothing wrong with taking anti-depressants, that as a pharamcist, he should be well aware that it does not mean you are crazy or anything, that they simply are to treat a chemical imbalance. He made his decision based off of our advice along with us talking him through the fact that his own father AND a brother had committed suicide in the past. I told him life is not fair, but it always takes time for life to heal the wounds it has inflicted. I have to believe that and think my own good friends on here have been very supportive and said this to also be true to me when giving me words of encouragement. Another bombshell was dropped on him last week though. His only child and her family are having to move because of her spouse being transferred for his job. So, he has been quite upset and saddened by the moving away of the rest of his closest family. We all at work have insisted on him not cancelling trips to see other family members or to play golf. The poor guy already is on four, maybe five, blood pressure medicines, and I am afraid he will just have a stroke or heart attack if anything else awful comes his way.

Then, for the rest of the story, my other boss had an awful miscarriage week before last. She has had a history of them, and was fortunate to have several miracle children thanks to modern medicine and prayer. She and her husband weren’t planning on enlarging their family further, but life happens, as do accidents. Unfortunately, after her several month sonogram, she was notified that the fetus was not alive, yet still enlarging. She had to have a procedure done to remove it, and lost a lot of blood. After coming back to work last week, several of us noticed that she seemed “off.” We all knew what was going on, but it wasn’t really that. She got so cold, yet the A/C in my area of the store does not work. We have fans blowing, but it is 80 plus degrees AT LEAST in there everyday, and a 100 plus outside. Yeah, nothing like working in a sauna to make you nauseated with heat exhaustion. She even put on a long-sleeved work jacket, which we REALLY thought was weird. Later, after the morning shift left, I noticed she had developed chills, so she took her temp and it was way too high. By this time, she had become dilerious, and her skin was soo hot and red. I ended up putting ice packs on her and making her sit down and rest, yet you could just feel the heat emmanating from her. I called her mom to come get her ASAP and get her to the ER because it got to the point that I could NOT keep her awake, and she was shaking violently all over with chills. I was so scared that she was going to go into seizure or coma on me. Someone asked why I did not call EMTs. I was like, uh, do you know just how long they would take to stabilize her before they even began to head to the hospital. I have seen our EMTs in action here, and I am NOT impressed. I told her mother that I figured she could get her to the ER quicker than the EMTs and ambulance would. I got our other boss to come in to take her place, while her mother drove her to the hospital, since her own husband works 2 hours away. She ended up with toxic shock, and it took until the following morning before the fever and chills broke. Her mother and she told me the doctors told them that if I hadn’t sent her to the hospital when I did, that she probably would have died, but that she got very lucky since it was caught early enough. Talk about stress, plus, I was the one being left in charge until the other pharmacist arrived, so the store manager on duty and I did get into it. Some people do not understand the word emergency, but thank goodness my other boss backed me up big time. I give him kudos for that, as did my area boss.

So not only has work about given me a conniption fit, I have had my own not so nice problems to deal with. My mother had to have surgery a few weeks back, plus has been having some other health problems, but things are finally looking up on that end of things. And then my brother actually got hired for a job he’s been wanting, which is really exciting since he was inbetween jobs in a small town. That is a major load off of my shoulders already with things looking up on the homefront *fingers crossed*.

As for me personally, well, a week ago, I told CS exactly how I felt, and that I did not think it a good idea for us to be friends anymore. I also told my female friend, AL, that CS has been flirting with and trying to date right in front of my face the same because last weekend was the straw that broke this camel’s back. This is what went down… We went shopping because he needed some new clothes and it was his birthday, so I let him pick the mall we went to. He’s been needing/wanting to go for sometime, but doesn’t have a car, so I thought it would be a nice birthday gift so-to-speak to take him where he wanted. Anyway, I am honestly NOT much into shopping for clothes. I cannot shop with other people, I get embarassed. I do not want others seeing exactly what size I wear, plus I always feel like the superskinny people are giving me weird looks. I know they really were at the one store we were shopping at..giving me that, “I dunno why that fat chick thinks she’ll find anything in here” look. My female friend AL went with us because CS originally wanted to get to know some of my friends, so he and AL have been calling and talking to each some over the past couple of months or so, after we’d all been hanging out together. This was after the conversation of how he needed more friends, and wanted to date others besides just seeing only me. Well, after 20 minutes of him clothes shopping, I mentioned how weird the place made me feel, so I got told to basically go wait in the breezeway outside. My friend AL chose to stay with him, not me. After about an hour, I got a call from CS asking where I was. I informed him that I was looking at stuff across the way in a shop, and he told me that he and AL were not done shopping for clothes, but wanted to see where I was. I thought, “as if he cares” at this point, because the light bulb had already come on at this point. I told him to call me when THEY were done, and I did not call him back for an hour after his next call; I was determined to have fun for myself. I failed miserably, but hey, I tried.

We ended up going to a movie at the mall, and before the movie, he made some rude comments to me. I think he probably thought he was being cute, and since AL laughed, then it was obviously okay and funny, so I got up and moved down a few seats.. away from them. I was very hurt by this point anyway, but I was NOT about to let them know it. After it, we were heading back home, and he decided we should all go see ANOTHER movie and that he’d pay for it since it was his birthday. When we arrived, I refused to let him pay for my ticket because I am not that stupid. I had already figured by this time that this was his way of taking AL on a date, and I was of course just the chauffeur. The whole time while waiting to be seated, he made snide remarks, so once inside, I simply did not sit with them. I am not going to deliberately watch any drama unfold that will crush me into a further pulp. Unfortunately for AL, her dad came and picked her up because as it turns out, she was supposed to be home early at her parents request. After the movie, I dropped him off, came home and cried for a while.

I decided to get on the internet so that I could blog about my issues since it is the only way for me to get stuff out these days. Well, CS popped up on one of my instant messengers, saying how he enjoyed the day so much, but the evening had not gone as he hoped. I informed him, that I read between the lines that he was “on a date” and that was why I refused to let him pay for my ticket. He thought that very intuitive of me, saying hopefully it will go better for him and AL next time, that they needed some alone date time. I told him to kick out his roommate and have her brothers bring her over if that is what he wanted, and I guess he thought I was thinking it was all good, great and much fun. He then said he had a better idea, next time, I pick them both up, since neither have a car, drop them at MY apartment, and for me to go find something to do for the rest of the evening. That way, they could get to know each other better. He’s been trying to get her and I to room together for at least 2 months now, so I now see the real writing on the wall, and it says, “Ara, you have been such a fool.” The comment about me leaving my own place actually is what finally broke me, physically, emotionally, and socially, at this point. I told him I had to go, and signed off IM. I then proceeded to email him saying I wanted nothing else to do with him, that simply I love him, but I love him enough to let him go. That he and AL being together finally broke my spirit, and I just cannot deal with ”them” anymore, that I would not be going anywhere with them, taking either of them anywhere, or anything else. That it is what is best for me. I also emailed AL and told her I had unresolved feelings for him and felt it best that I not hang out with them anymore either because they both had really hurt my feelings at the mall, but with some comments made as well.

I could not write my blog, much less finish it at that point because not only was I so upset, I went through more than a box of kleenexes. I needed rest. This past week has been hell, literally. I did finally go shopping one day, and found a nice blouse because I NEEDED something to make me look pretty since I certainly do not feel it at this point. The other side to the coin with CS is, as WmWB, 6mile, and others know, is that CS would not tell anyone we were dating before..because of the different culture thing, but he’s not afraid now to tell people he’s dating, since he’s dating others, and we’re not. I used to beg him to go to the movies, but he would not, so I have come to realize the fool that I was played as. It is real simple, I was not good enough to be treated as such because he was obviously embarassed by me since I am not beautiful and I am not skinny.. he really has become truly Americanized..more so than I will ever be, or so I hope.

As a follow-up to the “I do not want to hang out with you two anymore” thing, they both have begged me not to quit being their friends, AL saying just her and I would have “girl’s day only outtings.” I am still speaking to her, but, I have made myself find other things to do. Yes, I am a fool, but I finally gave into seeing CS on Sunday. He apologized, bought me dinner, and gave me a gas card because he says I take him a lot of places and never ask for anything in return, that he should be a better friend and help contribute. That next time we go shopping, it will be just the two of us, but since we have different tastes, that we should both shop for what we both want and meet up when we are ready. He asked me to go watch The Dark Knight at the Imax for this coming Saturday, so I gave in because I am weak. He obviously still does not get it, since he later told me he bought 3 tickets, so AL could go too if I didn’t have a problem with it. I was like whatever, and my friend at work told me not to be so dumb about any of it anymore since she’s been in my shoes, and knows that I am simply lonely, but that I still need to find new friends. She is right, I am being pretty dumb and stupid, but when you feel all alone and broken.. what do you do?

***Note of Disclaimer*** Yes, I am feeling very sad and depressed right now, and yes I AM feeling sorry for myself. I am doing my best to dig myself out, but sometimes it is hard. This is the only way I can get out what I am feeling without exploding or having a literal meltdown, so if you do not like it, that is okay as well…