So, recently, through discussion on NK’s blogsite, we were discussing what we look for in a potential date/mate/etc. So instead of cluttering up her blog, I thought I would just write a blog post about it….
As for the dating scene, I would have to say I am totally inexperienced about it, along with being somewhat naive. My parents did not allow me to date until I was 16. They had to know where I was, what I was doing, and who I was hanging out with. That is not to say that they knew my whereabouts every moment in time…but they had a general idea.. at least they thought they did. We used to go over friends houses and play video games a lot, listen to music, etc. My mom would have freaked out to know that I was in a BOY’S bedroom, unsupervised. But the thing is, she should and could trust me. We were not doing anything more innocent than the above mentioned. We were just hanging out.
As time has progressed, I look back on high school and realize just how sheltered I really was. It was a blessing and a curse. I had a really horrible best friend that if I liked someone, she would go after him until they were hers. Then she’d tell me why I never wanted to date them because of the guy’s real opinions about me. I defended her until she broke me… I just let the rest of my small high school bash her..and I won’t say she didn’t deserve it, but that didn’t mean I took part in it. She’d hurt me too bad. She ruined me having a prom date my junior year..she was just never satisfied. I am too nice I suppose. My guy classmates never thought of me as dateable material, but instead as their little sister. I have heard so many times, “oh don’t worry, she’s just one of the guys..”
I act tough emotionally because instead I am as fragile as a flower inside. I am scared to let someone past my shell. I have absolutely zero confidence in my relationships. Everytime I get close to a guy or admit I like him, to him.. I get, “I just don’t think of you like that…I like you, but just as a friend. It’s like you’re my sister or something, you know… you’re just one of the guys…” I try to never let others see my disappointment or hurt… I just want my friends to be happy. But I guess, I am too nice. My weight has also never helped with the matter, I hate having hormone problems that have caused me such misery, but I could have a worse plight I suppose. In fact, one of the most hurtful things I have heard recently is, “do you have any friends that you think would date me?” Inside I am screaming, “what about me?” and then I go on and say..”sure, I’ll see what I can do…”
I am very skittish about getting close to anyone..once you’ve been burned by someone you consider close enough to be a sister, and have been backstabbed as much as I was.. you just don’t know who to trust anymore. I have an elite few people I consider my closest friends, but I never tell them the whole story for fear of letting them past that innermost shell. In fact, someone that I was getting to be good friends with about 1 & 1/2 years ago, let her real opinion show when she was drunk. She made the mistake of commenting that she was smart, she only hung out with people uglier and fatter than she was so that we made her look good. Needless to say, I’ve had more than my fair share of mean friends that just use me.
So what am I looking for in a guy someone asked… well here’s the list..
1) Honesty
2) Truthfulness
3) Not using me just for me to “hook you up” with my friends
4) Intelligence.. I want to be able to have conversations, but not have to explain every single thing with a definition.. I do have patience, but it is not infinite..
5) A non-smoker because I have asthma
6) Someone caring, but not controlling, and who can get along with a cat
7) Not a jealous person, but one who just wants me to be genuinely be happy
8.) Someone who likes to laugh/smile
9) Kind eyes
10) Sense of humor
I consider my list to be fairly simple, and I don’t think I am asking for too much..but then again..maybe I AM too picky. Do I have a feeling that I will see positive results..no not really, I am realistic, but a forever optimist as well. I can always dream….
Hi ara.
Its so sad hearing the pain you have experienced. Its so hurtful when the ones you trust betray you.
I like the idea of making THE list(well, I admit I love lists in general!). Hey, maybe I should make a list just for fun. Hehe.
I think its important for people to know themselves and be very specific about what they need. Its probably even more important to know what you absolutely WONT tolerate(like not jealous, nonsmoker). Nice list.
You seem like such a nice girl, you should get everything on your list and more. Hope your ‘dream’ comes true soon!
I feel ya ara. I have never had a weight problem but I went through all the same things as you except earlier on. I went through it from 12 (when I started dating boys) until I was about 16 when I got into my first long term (1 yr) relationship.
I think you forgot someone who is not bothered by your weight on the list. There are plenty of people who are understanding of that and are not just hanging around you because of “hotter” people. I think there are plenty of great “hot” looking girls who are heaver than I am.
I also think your list is very simple and you are not picky. I guess if I had to write a list (which my husband would not fit into) it would be like 2 pages long….
You are great and I am sure there is someone out there that will make you happy. BTW there is “someone” we know who seems to fit your list.
Ara, I just have to say I had a little smile reading this post… you are just…SO…CUTE
.
A few things about it did make me a little sad (your friends using you, the confidence issue) but I just tend to think that because you are so sweet and full of hope that you can overcome anything.
You never know who you’ll meet around the corner of the street… or the web
…
Perhaps so, perhaps so.. one can hope
And I don’t mind a little social drinking, but really don’t want an alcoholic LOL.
LOL WmWB, I thought I was being picky saying non-smoker, non-jealous type LOL. I just have to have someone who likes to laugh though, because life is too short not to
Thanks too mirchi and NK!
I do not think saying non-smoker, non-jealous type is “picky”. You have asthma and who doesn’t want a non-jealous type? haha well I am sure some weird one does but that is pretty standard to me.
Your that girl everyone can depend on, even on cbc every one looks for you. I think you suffer from a case of being too good and people just run over you.
I used to be nice to everyone,If your too nice, your just that guy ( or worse some perve )I’m learning to say NO, even then I find people I say no to in need of help and others just manipulative.
I’m going to make a list soon, you might get darker and selfish shade of me soon.
Well, it is true I suppose. My mom tells me I’m too nice all the time. She gets quite angry at me for it.
I thought the intelligence qualification was definitely picky though. I tried once to date a guy that was..um, just not real bright, to put it nicely. He was really a very descent and nice guy, but we just didn’t have anything to talk about, so we went our separate ways LOL
I should write a post On Niceness. I used to never, EVER be this full of sass in terms of dealing with the opposite sex and people I didn’t know. I was always pretty sassy to my family, but never to anyone else. For me, I used to hide out in my room, listen to Tori Amos, and eat
. I try very, very hard to understand people, be open, but I have also realized that sometimes that just doesn’t work. Sometimes people will just keep walking all over you, disregarding your valid ideas and you have to just up and walk away from it taking the higher ground.
I think that might be called confidence or something. One of the reasons I kind of give a nod to the Hillary is because she’s a ballsy lady—you don’t find women brave enough to be that ballsy. It’s not *socially acceptable* for women to be outright angry and ballsy…but it’s SURE ok for them to be passive/aggressive, manipulative waifs. Ha Ha
So I just put my balls and confidence right out there and try to never shroud it for anyone. And this doesn’t have to be done in an AGGRESSIVE way…you can set firm limits and boundaries and still be cordial and even kind. You can’t please everyone if committ to doing this, and it’s not the easiest, conflict-free path, but you can begin to like yourself a whole lot more if you do it!
The funny thing NK, I am not afraid for standing up for others at all, and usually not for myself, just only when it comes to relationship-type things. Trust me when I say my mouth has overloaded my capacity on more than a few occasions. But when it comes to relationships, I just completely lose my ovaries of steel as I like to refer to them. I know I can’t fix the world, but like to do what little bit I can. In fact, with most of the guys I have dated in the past, I am really pretty good friends still. Someone said I am weird for that, because most people can’t remain friends after dating, but when you have never had a longterm relationship, it really isn’t that hard. In a way, I have been scared off of relationships because of my parents. They fight..alot. Dad’s jealous, mom’s controlling, and both have been married to each other 3 times now..divorced twice from each other. Honestly, I think they are just too different, and if my dad wasn’t out on the truck alot, they’d probably split up again.
I shouldn’t probably blame it on my parents, but when that is the example you see, it’s too hard to ignore it. How do you get the confidence though? When, if you do the asking, you’re always turned down?
Ara- in response to your last half of your comment dealing with your parents’ relationship…. My mom is on her 6th marriage (luckly this one is her longest and best one so perhaps she will stay married now) so growing up I had to go through that amongst MANY other things that are not for children’s eyes. I will say that all people fight just not as often as some. Remember while you were made from your parents you are not them and can choose what you will do and how you will be. It is ok to be a bit afraid of relationships I guess but you will never know how they (they guy – relationship with him) will be until you try it out.
I have decided after tonight to just not do the dating scene anymore. At least for a while. I don’t have any confidence in myself nor in any of the opposite sex. I am tired of being just “one of the guys” and tired of not being good enough except to be used to find dates for others. I am sick and tired of it. Sorry, I have had way too much to drink. I threw a party that flopped bigtime hahhaah. I’m just going to use the excess time I have been wasting to use on studying to get into rx school. Maybe some of it to exercise more. Hey at least I have a cat right? hahahaha
I have found and you should know by the background it seems we both share (with our families) that alcohol and being down do not go together.
I always say if you are going to drink make sure it is for the right reason (a good time with friends or a casual evening…not to drown feelings) because if the wrong reasons are used it only exerbates the issues.
I do not fault you for wanting to be through with everything (most all of us get there) and maybe a break would do you good. I would use the time to further your goals and happiness…like I have said to 6mile before, One has to be happy with themselves FIRST before anything else. Just remember not to be hard on yourself…crap happens, take it and run with it and don’t look back!
Thanks
Well, I threw a small party last night, and that’s where the alcohol came from.. doh! Sorry about my ranting and raving, but hey, I didn’t drunk dial no one this time. It’s been a long while since I have got drunk, but I am too worried about becoming an alcoholic to drink very often (A while as in more than a 1 & 1/2 years.) Esp thanks to those native american genes..I’ve seen too many alcoholics in my family and what they can do…
I am REALLY very angry at CS right now. All I heard back in the fall was his friends couldn’t know we were dating because they don’t understand what American dating is. Then he decided he wasn’t sure if he wanted to date at all. Then, for the past two weeks all I have been asked is if I have any single friends that would consider dating him. He’s been very pushy trying to get me to go out and date others. You can only do so much, and can’t FORCE someone to go out on a date with you. The party was HIS idea to begin with because he wanted to meet some of my friends that I frequently mention. That’s fine, but asking me about my friends if they’d date him is just… just..URARGGGHH! I will NOT let him know that he has hurt me or made me angry. I just won’t make the mistake again thinking that when a guy really supposedly cares, that he does. Asking about dating my friends when he knows I have feelings for him is about one of the most hurtful things a guy can say… and that’s all for today. I’m going to go hide in my corner now… or better yet, I’m going for a drive. Sorry again for being such a whiner.
And don’t be a whiner, from my experience people will run all over you. Let people know your choices, next time anyone asks you to find a date ask them to return the favor.
You are not whining you are venting. I say stop hanging out with him. Let the feelings you have for him go into your heart and lock it down. Use your mind right now not your heart. It hurts I know but it is a lesson learned now! move on and do not forget to tell him you are not hooking him up with any of your friends…tell him to screw himself!
Oh Ara, Im sorry to hear that.:( Either this guy is clueless or maybe he thinks this is his way of letting you down easy. I think its just rude.
You shouldnt feel you are whining by venting your feelings. And this is not your fault!
If thats how he feels then it wasnt meant to be. My advice is to try to be direct about what you need from someone next time. That isnt being selfish. You deserve it
Hope you are feeling okay.
It is totally wrong of him to treat you that way. Let him know how you feel and tell him its time you let the relationship out in the open. It sounds like he’s making use of you.
*hugs*
Thanks guys. I appreciate the words of encouragement and for letting me vent my frustrations!
I hope your doing well ara, sorry im not on much these days, I check back often
but am having to do a lot of nightouts
OOH, I hope nightouts is a good thing for you 6mile
Good luck! I am doing alright, thanks. Just working a lot this week. One of the techs is on vacation, and they’re just wearing us out LOL. How much longer until exams are over?
Hmm. Well I decided to follow a friend’s advice. She told me that if a guy happens to ask me out, just go on the date regardless of whether I am on manbatical (a term from NK’s blog) or not. Since CS kept asking me to find someone to date, I did just that. I had a small party last Saturday..yeah a total of 5 people, including him. So the other girl at the party, that is so shy she won’t speak hardly, he asked me if she was single or not. CS was so considerate to ask me if I thought she’d ever date him (please note the sarcasm). So I called his bluff and asked her for him Thursday/Friday. CS was so surprised about it, then commented that he had to find me someone. I told him not to worry about me, that I can take care of myself just fine! He mentioned a female friend of his that had some male buddies that he could set me up with. So I have called his bluff and told him sure, give them my phone number. We’ll see what happens. Conveniently, my friend that won’t speak, and doesn’t really care one way or the other just happen to hang out with me today. So, I called up CS, we went to the park at the lake, I wandered off and left them there and went and took a siesta on the floating dock haha. Needless to say, I PERSONALLY had a great day.
I do not wish my female friend ill by hooking her and CS up to date. I guess I just figure that the quicker I make CS move on, the better for me. When you have become close to someone, it is hard to just cut them completely out of your life. Heck, we all 3 went to a movie after the park. Yeah, I guess I am letting myself still be used, but not emotionally at this point. Once he has more friends, the easier I can just disappear…
Ara I see your stand point on this. I want to say congrats for trying to let him go but I think you need to let him go all the way (meaning do not help him even look for girls).
BTW have you tried speed dating? I hear it is really cool and I know someone who actually married a guy she met there.
I know.. shame on me hehehe
I have heard of speed dating on tv, but never seen anything about it here. I see advertisements for dating for singles here all the time, but no speed dating, otherwise I would probably try it because it just sounds fun. Kinda like Sinbad’s version of speed golf hehehe 
Hi Ara
I was perusing your blog and came across this post. It makes me sad because it makes me remember the times I was in the same boat as you. I was a lot like you for many years. I do applaud you for walking away. I wound up marrying one of the first guys that showed me a lot of attention. MISTAKE!!! Yes, he was charming, but I paid the price for that mistake. In fact, since we have children together, I’m still paying for that mistake.
HOWEVER, there is hope! Never fear. I found a great guy who loves me no matter what weight I am. Believe me, he’s had to jump through a lot of hoops over the years to prove it to me and he’s always passed the tests with flying colors. He is one of the most fabulous humans on the planet. I don’t think though that our relationship would have gone much of anywhere though if I hadn’t been completely honest with him about what I wanted, what I would put up with, what I wouldn’t, where I am going with my life…etc. I truly have never been more honest with anyone than I have with him. I finally learned to stand up for myself…and surprisingly, I was admired for it. I think you’re going to get there too…just give it some time.
Good luck with RX school. Are you in finals right now? I am and I can’t wait for the semester to be over!
No, I graduated last May and took a break. I’ve just been studying for the exam. Good luck with finals and thanks for the advice.
Is it principled photocopy ? Already saw the for all that info on this plot
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